Note: I accidentally deleted this blog from Jan 17, 2014 so re-posting.
Being in the home stretch sitting idly at home is forcing me to look at my feelings about the approaching motherhood ("impending" is the word I really mean to use but a voice in my head is telling me to be more upbeat, or at least neutral). Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled about this and quite looking forward to meet the person who is to be my daughter! But…still..you know…
We will get to that.
As usual I have done my research, planned ahead and stayed on top of the pregnancy to-do list*. It has not been an easy task considering the zillion restrictions on diet, sometimes activity. But it was not too bad either. After lying low in the first trimester, I decided to enjoy the second trimester damn right!** Even though all I actually wanted to do was sit at home and follow a quiet routine, we traveled quite a bit and I am glad we did. That travel feels like a huge achievement now. Sort of like.."In your face, pregnancy!"
Few other things 'Checked' include - car seat, stroller, diaper genie, a doula…and one awesome baby-shower!! The only must-have missing for this season is the name.***
Anyway. Going back to: But..still...
Over years I have watched many to-be and new moms go through a mini identity-crisis****. No matter how much you wanted a child and how ready you were, this is part of the process I think. If you had an easy pregnancy physically, then it usually happens during pregnancy. If you had a tough pregnancy for whatever reason, then this crisis gets postponed till after the baby arrives. But it is there.
There are numerous articles written on the emotional state of a pregnant lady..basically a mixed bag of lighted firecrakcers! And I am going through my share of these as each of them predicted. Excitement, happiness, anxiety, sadness, impatience, irritation, anger, love..at nothing in particular.
I have been the center of my life so far (surprise surprise!) and I don't feel quite ready to give up that position yet. I expect that the baby will be organized, well-behaved and sensible from day 1 and she will fit right into my schedule (yes, laugh away!!)*****. Knowing fully well that it is completely unrealistic and immature, that is how it is in my mind. There is no other option because if she is not, then I will be have to be a tiger mom from day 1. I cannot lose control …that too to someone who is just born.
So this is where I am at. So ready!
A passionate tweet from one endearingly neurotic friend some 5+ years ago when she had just become a new mom has stayed in my mind "motherhood means nonstop unending worry!". Then there is the famous "guilt" for pretty much everything you do ..or don't do..or do it in one way while you should have done it the other way. And the anxiety about unending chores. ….Well, I don't feel any of that. I am more like….what, ladies?? How could you lose control so easily?? Nah, I will show you how to do it right and be totally on top of things.
I guess motherhood is going to be a steep and slow learning curve for me…
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* I owe you a big THANK YOU for this. This pregnancy to-do list is an outcome of what I have heard/seen from preggo people around me at home and at work over the last few years. Almost all of you moms here have shared your wisdom with me freely and dispensed some really good advice while doing so.
** Having traveled quite a bit in the past years, I wasn't too appreciative of the babymoon thing. But a lot of you emphasized the importance of it keeping in mind the upcoming months.
*** Shameless plug: As some of you are aware that we are soliciting name suggestions for a girl. The winner whose name we pick will get a nice prize. So, please send me your suggestions if you have any..or your old short-lists that you made for your girls..
**** This is a really nice article. First three paragraphs of in particular: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/connecting-baby-birth
My fav part is: A mantra missing from mainstream society is one of trust- trusting oneself and carving out time to get familiar with feelings associated with prenatal parenting. Who am I as a woman, a mother-to-be, a partner? How does my childhood impact how I see and understand myself? Are issues lingering from my family life that might be worth attending to now, before I blaze a new path of parenthood? What kind of role model do I want to be for my child? If I find myself concerned about enduring postpartum struggles, how might I bolster my internal resources now so that I feel more centered when baby is in my arms? Though these questions might stimulate a variety of complex feelings, the benefits of exploring these emotions during pregnancy will strengthen your core, subsequently engendering a more mindful childhood for your baby. In-depth psychological investigation is potentially a lifelong preventative investment, paying dividends along the way.
***** Some of you will be temped to call this a euphoric hormonal surge, or even worse, denial. Well, you will see!
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