There haven't been any life musings lately. Ironic considering the fact that there is so much to muse about with some major life changes in the past year.
My stubborn unwillingness to accept any kind of change and complete inability to handle it with respectable grace is well-demonstrated in the past. Not too long ago just a removal of my favorite dish from Chaat Cafe or too much focus on romance in The Big Bang Theory would have warranted a blog from me..or at least a note on FB. Given this, even I am surprised that there haven't been weekly posts here or hourly tweets on twitter.
I would be lying if I said I didn't try. There are two incomplete drafts sitting in my account here. I remember the moments when I sulked and sulked. I resented not being able to keep my head straight enough to write even a short note. Somehow, today I see a crack in the stone wall (or I have become so light-headed that I am hallucinating). Regardless..we are here. And it is simple. When the ocean is calm, even a small ripple in it causes excitement for the passengers sitting on a cruise ship. But when the storm starts raging, who has time to admire the ocean? Everyone is running around to save life..(I assure you this is the ultimate level of profoundness in this blog so if you are looking for something more meaningful, stop and go watch TV).
Going back to the topic in the title..
Parenthood has ripped me apart inside out even though I have a reasonably well-behaved child. I vaguely remember the person I was before that but I don't have the energy or time to think about her. All I remember is sort of a Life High. The overall feeling of amazingness and tremendous positivity in my attitude. In spite of some serious ups and downs in my life, there was this attitude that I am invincible. That feeling of invincibleness is gone. It took nature one year to take it out of me after the baby was born but slowly and surely, he took it away. I have surrendered to it after putting much fight. It is not a bad feeling. There is certainly no hopelessness or emptiness or any of that sort of crap (read postpartum D-word). Not that there is anything wrong with it..but this is not it. As I was struggling with it, I was also thinking about it. What am I struggling with really? Initially the fight was real and the resistance was real but soon as the days passed, both became lame. It felt like I was fighting for the sake of fighting and I didn't really believe in the cause anymore.
And, the cause being.. ??
Hmm..well, the cause is "me" right? I am fighting to remain "myself" in spite of the torrential flooding of parenting duties. Wasn't I fighting Not to Lose my Ground (as the title of this blog says!!)??? Although that seemed like an obvious answer, I knew it wasn't really true. Another advantage of being a late mom (first being the free stuff :-)) is that you don't go through the "identity-crisis"*** as much. You have pretty much figured out who you are, who you can be and can't be and made peace with it..at a higher level at least. e.g. I still think I will become a professor or become size 2 (which is physically impossible but mentally ..yeah, totally! ).
Suddenly, yesterday, it clicked.
What I have been missing is the overall Life High. You can call it Being the Center of Attraction but that is not quite it. It is more about getting kicks in life by doing whatever it is that gives you kicks! You push yourself, you do this and you do that, you go here and you go there, you date him and you dump him, you get this and you get that...you are free. You live life on your own terms (or so you think while the God is laughing). God being everyone around you in this case****.
After becoming a parent, that Life High is gone. You can't do things for kicks anymore. You have to live responsibly and you want to live responsibly. It is biological. Your mind can't resist it for too long. Neuro-chemical signals are too strong to overcome. The extent of "I don't give a damn" is limited to serving your kid some cold rice cereal instead of warm desi chawal.. (yeah, in your face parenting demons, now who is laughing!). They ultimately get you. You don't want the Life High even when you really want it! I am tempted to go Bollywood cheesy and sing the song from old movie Khiladi.."pyar ki ye reet hai haar bhi jeet hai.."*****
...but is it the biology or is it really pyar/love?? Can you even differentiate?
I don't know. Your thoughts welcome..
The End.
* Any/all of various meanings explained here apply: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=high+on+life
** Refer to my last post "Some Gestational Musings"
*** I have touched upon this in my post Kickstart: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8560604708351279528#editor/target=post;postID=2364163669050500131;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=1;src=postname
**** Some of my friend's still need a clarification on "What is God?" in spite of being friends with me for years. Yes, I used to consider myself spiritual now even that is gone.
***** Loosely translates into, losing in love is winning in love.
My stubborn unwillingness to accept any kind of change and complete inability to handle it with respectable grace is well-demonstrated in the past. Not too long ago just a removal of my favorite dish from Chaat Cafe or too much focus on romance in The Big Bang Theory would have warranted a blog from me..or at least a note on FB. Given this, even I am surprised that there haven't been weekly posts here or hourly tweets on twitter.
I would be lying if I said I didn't try. There are two incomplete drafts sitting in my account here. I remember the moments when I sulked and sulked. I resented not being able to keep my head straight enough to write even a short note. Somehow, today I see a crack in the stone wall (or I have become so light-headed that I am hallucinating). Regardless..we are here. And it is simple. When the ocean is calm, even a small ripple in it causes excitement for the passengers sitting on a cruise ship. But when the storm starts raging, who has time to admire the ocean? Everyone is running around to save life..(I assure you this is the ultimate level of profoundness in this blog so if you are looking for something more meaningful, stop and go watch TV).
Going back to the topic in the title..
Parenthood has ripped me apart inside out even though I have a reasonably well-behaved child. I vaguely remember the person I was before that but I don't have the energy or time to think about her. All I remember is sort of a Life High. The overall feeling of amazingness and tremendous positivity in my attitude. In spite of some serious ups and downs in my life, there was this attitude that I am invincible. That feeling of invincibleness is gone. It took nature one year to take it out of me after the baby was born but slowly and surely, he took it away. I have surrendered to it after putting much fight. It is not a bad feeling. There is certainly no hopelessness or emptiness or any of that sort of crap (read postpartum D-word). Not that there is anything wrong with it..but this is not it. As I was struggling with it, I was also thinking about it. What am I struggling with really? Initially the fight was real and the resistance was real but soon as the days passed, both became lame. It felt like I was fighting for the sake of fighting and I didn't really believe in the cause anymore.
And, the cause being.. ??
Hmm..well, the cause is "me" right? I am fighting to remain "myself" in spite of the torrential flooding of parenting duties. Wasn't I fighting Not to Lose my Ground (as the title of this blog says!!)??? Although that seemed like an obvious answer, I knew it wasn't really true. Another advantage of being a late mom (first being the free stuff :-)) is that you don't go through the "identity-crisis"*** as much. You have pretty much figured out who you are, who you can be and can't be and made peace with it..at a higher level at least. e.g. I still think I will become a professor or become size 2 (which is physically impossible but mentally ..yeah, totally! ).
Suddenly, yesterday, it clicked.
What I have been missing is the overall Life High. You can call it Being the Center of Attraction but that is not quite it. It is more about getting kicks in life by doing whatever it is that gives you kicks! You push yourself, you do this and you do that, you go here and you go there, you date him and you dump him, you get this and you get that...you are free. You live life on your own terms (or so you think while the God is laughing). God being everyone around you in this case****.
After becoming a parent, that Life High is gone. You can't do things for kicks anymore. You have to live responsibly and you want to live responsibly. It is biological. Your mind can't resist it for too long. Neuro-chemical signals are too strong to overcome. The extent of "I don't give a damn" is limited to serving your kid some cold rice cereal instead of warm desi chawal.. (yeah, in your face parenting demons, now who is laughing!). They ultimately get you. You don't want the Life High even when you really want it! I am tempted to go Bollywood cheesy and sing the song from old movie Khiladi.."pyar ki ye reet hai haar bhi jeet hai.."*****
...but is it the biology or is it really pyar/love?? Can you even differentiate?
I don't know. Your thoughts welcome..
* Any/all of various meanings explained here apply: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=high+on+life
** Refer to my last post "Some Gestational Musings"
*** I have touched upon this in my post Kickstart: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8560604708351279528#editor/target=post;postID=2364163669050500131;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=1;src=postname
**** Some of my friend's still need a clarification on "What is God?" in spite of being friends with me for years. Yes, I used to consider myself spiritual now even that is gone.
***** Loosely translates into, losing in love is winning in love.
It's just the selfish gene! That's it!
ReplyDeleteAs usual, very well written. Can relate to most of it, being gone through it and seems like the fight will never end..it still goes on, when you get time ofcourse...
ReplyDelete