Some Gestational Musings.. (From Jan 17, 2014)

Note: I accidentally deleted this blog from Jan 17, 2014 so re-posting. 

Being in the home stretch sitting idly at home is forcing me to look at my feelings about the approaching motherhood ("impending" is the word I really mean to use but a voice in my head is telling me to be more upbeat, or at least neutral). Don't get me wrong. I am thrilled about this and quite looking forward to meet the person who is to be my daughter! But…still..you know…

We will get to that. 

As usual I have done my research, planned ahead and stayed on top of the pregnancy to-do list*. It has not been an easy task considering the zillion restrictions on diet, sometimes activity. But it was not too bad either. After lying low in the first trimester, I decided to enjoy the second trimester damn right!** Even though all I actually wanted to do was sit at home and follow a quiet routine, we traveled quite a bit and I am glad we did.  That travel feels like a huge achievement now. Sort of like.."In your face, pregnancy!" 

Few other things 'Checked' include - car seat, stroller, diaper genie, a doula…and one awesome baby-shower!! The only must-have missing for this season is the name.*** 

Anyway. Going back to: But..still...

Over years I have watched many to-be and new moms go through a mini identity-crisis****. No matter how much you wanted a child and how ready you were, this is part of the process I think. If you had an easy pregnancy physically, then it usually happens during pregnancy. If you had a tough pregnancy for whatever reason, then this crisis gets postponed till after the baby arrives. But it is there. 

There are numerous articles written on the emotional state of a pregnant lady..basically a mixed bag of lighted firecrakcers!  And I am going through my share of these as each of them predicted. Excitement, happiness, anxiety, sadness, impatience, irritation, anger, love..at nothing in particular. 

I have been the center of my life so far (surprise surprise!) and I don't feel quite ready to give up that position yet. I expect that the baby will be organized, well-behaved and sensible from day 1 and she will fit right into my schedule (yes, laugh away!!)*****. Knowing fully well that it is completely unrealistic and immature, that is how it is in my mind. There is no other option because if she is not, then I will be have to be a tiger mom from day 1. I cannot lose control …that too to someone who is just born.

So this is where I am at. So ready!  

A passionate tweet from one endearingly neurotic friend some 5+ years ago when she had just become a new mom has stayed in my mind "motherhood means nonstop unending worry!". Then there is the famous "guilt" for pretty much everything you do ..or don't do..or do it in one way while you should have done it the other way. And the anxiety about unending chores. ….Well, I don't feel any of that. I am more like….what, ladies?? How could you lose control so easily?? Nah, I will show you how to do it right and be totally on top of things. 

I guess motherhood is going to be a steep and slow learning curve for me…

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* I owe you a big THANK YOU for this. This pregnancy to-do list is an outcome of what I have heard/seen from preggo people around me at home and at work over the last few years. Almost all of you moms here have shared your wisdom with me freely and dispensed some really good advice while doing so. 

** Having traveled quite a bit in the past years, I wasn't too appreciative of the babymoon thing. But a lot of you emphasized the importance of it keeping in mind the upcoming months. 

*** Shameless plug: As some of you are aware that we are soliciting name suggestions for a girl. The winner whose name we pick will get a nice prize. So, please send me your suggestions if you have any..or your old short-lists that you made for your girls..

**** This is a really nice article. First three paragraphs of in particular: http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/connecting-baby-birth

My fav part is: A mantra missing from mainstream society is one of trust- trusting oneself and carving out time to get familiar with feelings associated with prenatal parenting.  Who am I as a woman, a mother-to-be, a partner?  How does my childhood impact how I see and understand myself?  Are issues lingering from my family life that might be worth attending to now, before I blaze a new path of parenthood?  What kind of role model do I want to be for my child?  If I find myself concerned about enduring postpartum struggles, how might I bolster my internal resources now so that I feel more centered when baby is in my arms?  Though these questions might stimulate a variety of complex feelings, the benefits of exploring these emotions during pregnancy will strengthen your core, subsequently engendering a more mindful childhood for your baby.  In-depth psychological investigation is potentially a lifelong preventative investment, paying dividends along the way. 

***** Some of you will be temped to call this a euphoric hormonal surge, or even worse, denial. Well, you will see!

Life High*

There haven't been any life musings lately. Ironic considering the fact that there is so much to muse about with some major life changes in the past year.

My stubborn unwillingness to accept any kind of change and complete inability to handle it with respectable grace is well-demonstrated in the past. Not too long ago just a removal of my favorite dish from Chaat Cafe or too much focus on romance in The Big Bang Theory would have warranted a blog from me..or at least a note on FB. Given this, even I am surprised that there haven't been weekly posts here or hourly tweets on twitter.

I would be lying if I said I didn't try. There are two incomplete drafts sitting in my account here.  I remember the moments when I sulked and sulked. I resented not being able to keep my head straight enough to write even a short note. Somehow, today I see a crack in the stone wall (or I have become so light-headed that I am hallucinating). Regardless..we are here. And it is simple. When the ocean is calm, even a small ripple in it causes excitement for the passengers sitting on a cruise ship. But when the storm starts raging, who has time to admire the ocean? Everyone is running around to save life..(I assure you this is the ultimate level of profoundness in this blog so if you are looking for something more meaningful, stop and go watch TV).

Going back to the topic in the title..

Parenthood has ripped me apart inside out even though I have a reasonably well-behaved child. I vaguely remember the person I was before that but I don't have the energy or time to think about her.  All I remember is sort of a Life High. The overall feeling of amazingness and tremendous positivity in my attitude. In spite of some serious ups and downs in my life, there was this attitude that I am invincible. That feeling of invincibleness is gone. It took nature one year to take it out of me after the baby was born but slowly and surely, he took it away. I have surrendered to it after putting much fight. It is not a bad feeling. There is certainly no hopelessness or emptiness or any of that sort of crap (read postpartum D-word). Not that there is anything wrong with it..but this is not it. As I was struggling with it, I was also thinking about it. What am I struggling with really? Initially the fight was real and the resistance was real but soon as the days passed, both became lame. It felt like I was fighting for the sake of fighting and I didn't really believe in the cause anymore.

And, the cause being.. ??

Hmm..well, the cause is "me" right? I am fighting to remain "myself" in spite of the torrential flooding of parenting duties. Wasn't I fighting Not to Lose my Ground (as the title of this blog says!!)???  Although that seemed like an obvious answer,  I knew it wasn't really true.  Another advantage of being a late mom (first being the free stuff :-)) is that you don't go through the "identity-crisis"*** as much. You have pretty much figured out who you are, who you can be and can't be and made peace with it..at a higher level at least. e.g. I still think I will become a professor or become size 2 (which is physically impossible but mentally ..yeah, totally! ).

Suddenly, yesterday, it clicked.

What I have been missing is the overall Life High. You can call it Being the Center of Attraction but that is not quite it. It is more about getting kicks in life by doing whatever it is that gives you kicks! You push yourself, you do this and you do that, you go here and you go there, you date him and you dump him, you get this and you get that...you are free. You live life on your own terms (or so you think while the God is laughing). God being everyone around you in this case****.

After becoming a parent, that Life High is gone. You can't do things for kicks anymore. You have to live responsibly and you want to live responsibly. It is biological. Your mind can't resist it for too long.   Neuro-chemical signals are too strong to overcome. The extent of "I don't give a damn" is limited to serving your kid some cold rice cereal instead of warm desi chawal.. (yeah, in your face parenting demons, now who is laughing!).  They ultimately get you. You don't want the Life High even when you really want it! I am tempted to go Bollywood cheesy and sing the song from old movie Khiladi.."pyar ki ye reet hai haar bhi jeet hai.."*****

...but is it the biology or is it really pyar/love?? Can you even differentiate?

I don't know. Your thoughts welcome..

The End.


* Any/all of various meanings explained here apply: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=high+on+life

** Refer to my last post "Some Gestational Musings"

*** I have touched upon this in my post Kickstart: https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8560604708351279528#editor/target=post;postID=2364163669050500131;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=1;src=postname

**** Some of my friend's still need a clarification on "What is God?" in spite of being friends with me for years. Yes, I used to consider myself spiritual now even that is gone.

***** Loosely translates into, losing in love is winning in love.